Challenges

Even though Caleb is probably the easiest baby I've ever known, it hasn't been all roses and rainbows. I did not plan on having a c-section, and even skipped out on the second part of the childbirth class that covers c-section births. So the only knowledge I had of c-sections were what I've seen on A Baby Story.

Before I was ever pregnant I always said "If I could, I would sign myself up to have a c-section! I do not want to go through labor!!" I was so ignorant! Labor was the easy part, at least for me (minus all the scares). I knew the recovery time was going to be longer from the surgery, but I didn't realize I would still be in pain 3 weeks later.

The first week at home was rough, really rough. I am SO glad my mom was able and willing to stay with us and help. I could walk slowly, but it was painful. I was also told by my nurses to not overdo it and take care of myself. There's the problem. I wanted to take care of my baby, not me. And I couldn't take care of my own baby without feeling like I was ripping my incision open! I cried a lot that week. I was watching Matt, my mom, family and friends all get to hold my baby, pain free, and loving it. I was jealous. I felt so helpless, when all I wanted to do was pick him up from the pack n play, and even change his diapers!

Speaking of diapers, since I was basically on bed rest for most of the time in the hospital, I was never taught how to change his diapers, or even dress him. The first time I changed his diaper and dressed him was 10 minutes before we were discharged from the hospital. Talk about stressed. I also didn't swaddle him on my own until the second week. Bending over for that long was torture.

The second night we were home I was determined to spend time with my baby. I was tired of seeing everyone spend time with him when I had only had maybe an hour of holding him. So I stayed up from 11pm to 3am holding him in his glider watching Forrest Gump and just looking at him. I don't regret doing that at all, I needed that time with him. The next day, however, I felt the worst I've ever felt! I was CERTAIN the incision both on my uterus and my skin had erupted. That's how intense the pain was. I was crying and my mom and Matt kept telling me I needed to stay in bed during the nights from now until I get better. I was so frustrated I could've punched the wall.

So I'm sure you're wondering, don't I get a lot of time with him since I'm breastfeeding? That's the other challenge. I was contemplating even mentioning this on the blog, because I don't want people making comments that will make me feel even more guilty than I already feel.

I breastfed him for the whole time we were in the hospital. Actually, I should say "breastfed" him the whole time we were in the hospital. I can think of one time I actually felt like he got something out of me, and that was the very first time we did skin on skin when I was in recovery. It maybe lasted 5 minutes and then he stopped latching. I had a nurse trying to help me and after awhile she said "it's ok, he can go 24 hours without eating and still be fine." I thought that was a long time, but felt a little better. We tried every 2-3 hours to get him to feed. He would latch on and then do nothing. He would fall asleep, or just lay there. But again, we were still in that 24 hour time frame so I wasn't too stressed.

Once 4:18pm on March 8th rolled around we started to try to get him to feed again. It's now been 24 hours and he needed to get something in him! He would latch, suck for maybe a minute then completely stop sucking. We met with every lactation consultant I think they have, tried every position, every gadget, and then on the day before we went home we met with yet another lactation nurse. She brought out formula to drop in his mouth while he's latched to me. He gobbled that formula up! Once the formula drops were gone, he stopped sucking. I was so frustrated by this point. We had visitors waiting outside to see him, I wanted him to feed SO bad, but it was taking over an hour and he had only 2 to 3 drops of formula and nothing from me. The nurse left, we saw the visitors, and when it was just the 3 of us again, I lost it. I was crying uncontrollably, just watching my baby keep losing weight. Matt called for my nurse to come talk to me.

I explained how I was feeling... wanting the best for my baby, feeling immense peer pressure to not give up with breastfeeding, and feeling like a failure. After a long discussion with my nurse, and Matt, we made the decision the night before going home to switch to formula.

I still feel tons of guilt, and like a big fat failure, but we honestly tried everything and we had to do what worked best for us.

Caleb is gaining weight at the perfect rate now, and it has been such a relief to have Matt alternate the feeding shifts with me so we both get rest.

It's been a challenging 3 weeks, and I'm still recovering, but they've also been the best 3 weeks as well! I seriously can't imagine life without him!